humming in the laundromat

i slept until 230 today. I literally could not open my eyes, i thought i had some terrible condition that glued my eyelids closed. I was almost relieved. I eventually woke up, brought the dog in the bed with me and woke up slowly. Then i made some strong coffee, poured myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, and didn't say a word.
This weekend was spring cleaning weekend. I left the house yesterday afternoon, and did not return until the wee hours of the night. I hadn't planned on that. Needless to say, I missed spring cleaning, but today i locked myself in my room, and sorted and threw things away and opened the window to the cold yet spring air. I don't feel reborn or cleaner, though.

My clothes are tumbling in the dryer right now. I always feel I am missing out on everything. That everyone around me, that I know and do not are leading these fabulously fun and adventurous lives. They go out at night and meet pretty skinny people and take a thousand pictures and climb monuments. Every day I am missing out on something. When I am alone and when I am with anyone else, I feel as though something better is happening around the corner. And nothing is ever good enough. I never get there, that incredible feeling of life and lust for everything is always around the corner, and when I run to meet it, it runs down the next block.

So, today, as my clothes tumble around and the socks get tangled with the shirts, I realized that this isn't actually happening. I am not missing what will make me happy by mere steps, I am not reaching for something that is just one inch too far away.
It isn't there. It is not there.
What is more saddening? Always feeling as though the next great thing is JUST around the corner, or realizing it never existed. Which means I have to HAVE TO be happy here?

The latter of course. Because now I must stop running and start accepting. I am stuck with me, and after years of trying to shake myself off, of getting rid of me and replace it with the person I have always wanted to be, I now see I am stuck. Not in a location, I can move and do whatever the fuck I want. But I will be moving with Michelle, with goddamn me, and it is something I have wanted to rid myself of for as long as I can remember. I am no good, and I won't get better. I have to suck it up. I drink too much and I'm awfully short.

I suppose the adventure now will be to take myself out, and see what happens when I stop trying.

spring, Nothing new.

today is the first day of spring. i celebrated with a smoothie. now i feel disgusting and i cannot keep my eyes open. but that is nothing new.

tomorrow is my last day at work. which essentially means my last day on long island. i'm sure i will cry like a bitch, but that is nothing new, either. i sure as hell will not miss long island, but rather the conditions with which i am leaving. But of Course.

i will always want to sleep forever, and i had to hit the snooze button today because I wanted to see you for 2 more minutes.
you will never know that.

and i probably always will.

Hopefully I will meet many lovely people at animal shelters and cooking classes. However, if not, I am used to being alone, and truth be told, i generally do not like people anyway. I am becoming a recluse. i suppose as of 2005. Nothing new. That was the year i felt so disgusted with myself i hid in a small room, lied to everyone, and smelled like smoke even in the shower. I must have lost that year, and everyone i met after had the burden of trying to reinvent me, regain a lost year and make me better. I never got better. what happppppenend?!

i am frustrated and very very sad and seeing red and talking to sidewalks.

(nothing new)

here is a happy spring to all of you:

Sunstorm

wake up. lay in bed for awhile, hoping the more layers i covered myself in, the further i would be from here.

alas. eventually i woke up, and bought some coffee. then I went clothes shopping. I hate hate hate clothes shopping. I don't have any money, and I end up wanting too much and nothing all at once. I had to buy work clothes (THANK YOU VERY MUCH)

i have an interview on Wednesday, and I don't own a pair of "nice" pants, a presentable shirt or shoes that aren't converse.

Getting used to the fact that I am disposable.  Getting used to avoiding people, eye contact and help.

finally found a black knit dress, with a long pleat and cute pockets.  it screams "i'm short and you can take advantage of me in the work place!"

I am furious.  And the gin is almost gone.

brandon calls to say "i love you panda bear how are you?"

i haven't slept in days.

Todd calls and says "how you feeling?"

fine, do you have any boxes? i am moving out of my apartment.

craigslist is my closest friends as it tries to introduce me to new people, new furniture, a new job and a new room. but how am i ever going to get anything done when i get home late, and fall asleep with a wine glass in my hand?

i have reached a moment where i cannot tell if i am asleep or awake. I surprise myself in the morning when i am on the train and i realize i haven't actually woken up, that i am still in bed, and yet have made the proper commute and not ended up in Long Beach.

i dream of rug burns and telephones. bad reception and forts made of sheets.

damnit nsync had to happen??

my how things have changed.

i am underground.

don't try to fucking find me.  i can't wait to meet myself.

too many puppies

of course not! no such thing!

've been bouncing off the walls today. trying to fill my little life with things to look forward to.

-Baked Tofu Steak and cupcake making tonight
-ComicCon in April!! eeeee, already conjuring up outfits for the weekend i transform into Ragged Robin and finally meet King Mob.
-World's Largest Aquarium in Atlanta Georgia!! I am trying to book a weekend in May for Jamie and I. Flights, hotel rooms, admission to the world's largest fucking aquarium. I really want to go and am completely willing to give up food (booze?!) for the expenses the trip will bring.

I watched an episode of LOST today during my "lunch" break, and am now listening to M.I.A. and reading Ivan Turganev's novella "First Love".
I am sure they will catch on and give me work to do. Until then, I'll lay low and keep "busy".

I ordered two cookbooks last night, for Dog biscuits. I will recieve them sometime next week and will commence baking! the apartment is going to smell awful; so long are the days of vanilla and sprinkles wafting through the air. Hello, odors of chicken stock, garlic and yeast. yum.

If anyone has any ideas what i should call my treats, please share.

peace, love and tofu steak.

lucky charms of course.

I am currently in a fairly infuriating cycle in which i fall asleep by 7pm, wake up around 11pm, and do not fall back to sleep until the wee hours of the morning.
Nothing new, I suppose.

I lay in bed now, to the sounds of Jamie putting new strings on his guitar. He will play music and I will read short stories. Hopefully this will get us through the remainder of the winter.

In the evening, I look forward to waking up and eating my serving of Lucky Charms. the last and first thoughts before i eventually fall asleep. I wonder, furiously, what other people think about in their last hours of consciousness. sometimes i am convinced that people can turn off their brains, and this they must do to lead a normal life. otherwise, how would anything ever get done? my mantra is Lucky Charms.....as i sleep....what are yours?

When i feel as though i haven't read enough, seen enough, or heard enough, I slip back into things i do now, with almost no desire to venture into the unknown. I should have already read this book, and I should know all the songs on my playlist, but I don't. nothing serious, just pestering enough to keep me awake and dreadfully neurotic.

I do know about Lucky Charms though.
3/4 cup for a full serving.
110 calories in said serving.
the marshmallows have changed dramatically since it's introduction in 1963. my favorite is the rainbow. in an attempt to keep kids on their toes, they have tried more "magic" charms, ones which have a hidden image that are revealed when you pour milk over them.
I use soy milk in my cereal every morning.
I cannot blink for 40 minutes after having consumed my bowl of marshmallows.
the leprechaun, Lucky Charm's spokes"man" is by far one of the most endearing of all cereal charachters. The cheerios Bee seems a little phony to me.

OOOOOOO i forgot about the red balloons. those are pretty fucking bad ass too.
but i digress.

i do like this little life i have created for myself. i just don't like where it is. or me in it. as an objective outsider, i think,
"it must be fun. surrounded by little animals and music. Russian literature next to the low ball of whiskey on the night stand. and Lucky Charms in the morning."

loud music and the occasional phone ring

happy monday(s)

Alone in the office today. not an entirely bad thing, it tests my time management skills, i watched a lifetime movie until it made me uncomfortable, and i can play my music super loud.
Iggy pop makes me want to fight, Bob dylan makes me want to sway, New order makes me want to dance, Elliot smith makes me want to die...and then Toto's Africa comes on and i sing along.
Goodness the cameras are getting quite a show today.

A fairly heavy weekend has just passed. many demons i have were sick of staying down by my toes, and the whiskey gave them the courage to bubble out of my big mouth. needless to say, there is a ton of Shit i have to work on. and i really want to figure it out. i suppose the self loathing should be the first to go. and Hopefully everything will follow suit.

however, the good thing that came out of the weekend is the realization of what i should do with my life. Dog pastries obviously. I'll be a baker, and will cater to my preferred creature.
(dogs during the day, burritos and drinks at night)

I hear that it is beautiful outside today, but hey i'm in the basement.

having jamie home is wonderful. which is right on par.

peace, love and burning man.